justscribing | The City

Seven! [ it's a day five, and kaveh's always been quick with numbers. the number comes out before kaveh can think better of it - seven times and that dreaded replay button. at one point, kaveh figured out how to make it loop, and then the onus was on him to stop it from playing again and again. that he didn't was a failing in a way that he hasn't even considered yet, and suspects doesn't even exist in the wider universe - save for now, seventh loop of the video in, in which kaveh had finally had enough and pulled the plug to the entire machine.

he then did start-up procedures again because he knew this was bad for the machine and felt incredibly contrite about it, but that was neither here nor there.

there: seven. here: kaveh snaps his mouth shut. he looks. ]

Wait - why is that the first thing you ask? You just - that - [ HNNNNNG. ] That's just not fair! You can't just ask things like that and expect an answer, a-and just - seven isn't even a lot! I had it on loop! It played without my conscious consent, in fact, so in that hypothetical scenario, I was the victim! [ ... ] Please say something before I dig myself into a deeper hole.

[Seven.

Alhaitham's eyebrows have disappeared into the tousle of his hair. Kaveh begs for a response. Anything to save him from his insomniac prattle and Alhaitham's increasingly questioning expression.

So be it.] And was watching the only thing you did while it played?

[ there is tomato red, and there is kaveh red. ]

YOU- And why is that your second question! What was the point of conferring upon you a degree, Haravatat, if the only questions you can come up with are so besides the point that I'm not even certain we are on the same topic anymore! [ kaveh clutches alhaitham's collar. it's less out of sheer, indomitable rage and more for dear life. ] Look, just - answer my question! This isn't about me, this is about you!

Maybe your opinion of it is relevant to mine. [Not in the ways Kaveh is asking, though.

He closes his eyes in final petulance. He could try to waive Kaveh off further, but he can see him releasing the bait.]

I think that in some iteration Midnight and I had. Sex. [The truncation is almost unnoticeable. Almost.]

The system data must be leaking. The simulation isn't stable.

Alhaitham.

[ alhaitham settles into the conversation the way a bird settles on a bed of spikes. suddenly, the guilt surges in kaveh, because this had been kaveh's fault. he could have kept that video to himself. he could have acted like nothing happened. technically nothing had happened. it was another iteration. it was another version of them.

archons, what did it mean that other versions of them will make choices that their current versions would not? but on the other hand, does this provide proof or detraction for the theory that free will exists? kaveh realises the conclusion that he must draw from this: midnight and alhaitham could have made those decisions, because those are decisions that either of them are capable of making. the only difference in the two scenarios is kaveh.

twice the guilt, then. kaveh's hands curl into alhaitham's collar, then lets him go. neither of them are going anywhere anyway. ]

Obviously the two of you had sex. I watched it. You watched it. [ kaveh finishes after a moment. it manages to be less lost and more exasperated, the sort of 'the sky is blue and water is wet' that alhaitham typically brings to a conversation, usually while pointing out kaveh's entirely justified neurosis. he's still perched over alhaitham because he has no idea what else to do with himself. kaveh runs a hand through his blond hair. ] Those are facts, though, Alhaitham, not opinions. Be honest - you didn't want to see that, did you.

It wasn't exactly high on my list of things I'd like to see. [It also wasn't high on his list of things he ever expected to see.

His hand reaches up, opposite to Kaveh's, and pushes back the other side of his hair. Alhaitham opens his eyes.] But I won't refuse to look at the truth just because it's unpleasant. You didn't do anything wrong showing it to me.

To be honest, I don't really know how I feel about it.

[ kaveh's head cants into the touch. of course it does. kaveh's had an entire half of a lifetime to learn to do so. with his hair out of his face, kaveh feels more awake. more alert. more able. it's a day five, and he desperately wants to know the answer to a question that alhaitham doesn't even have an answer to.

a beat. ]

I didn't do anything right either, I just... [ kaveh just want - wanted alhaitham to know because it was the right thing to do? or because kaveh hadn't wanted to be alone with the knowledge because it was going to consume him until the end of time? aren't there scenarios where just one person finds out the truth about the world and needs to contend with it? kaveh thinks he'd be terrible in those scenarios. he wouldn't be able to do anything alone.

alhaitham might be able to. that's why the fact that alhaitham doesn't know - that surprises him, and disconcerts him. but maybe that's to be expected. this is complicated, and alhaitham's thoughts on midnight, well... they've always been complicated. ]

You and Midnight get along in another iteration. It at least proves something: that in different contexts, our choices will differ, even if we are the same person deep down. It doesn't disturb you, does it?

[Alhaitham looks over to the clock and determines he's not getting any more sleep tonight.

So he shifts, sits up and slides his back to the headboard. His arm curls around Kaveh to pull him into his side.]

It's expected that within different context, we'd be presented with and make different choices. One video says very little about what those choices were that lead to... that. [He shakes his head.] Rather than disturbing, it's inexplicable.

[ alhaitham pulls kaveh in. kaveh follows. the curve of alhaitham's side is a perfect fit for the jut of kaveh's elbows, folded the way the wings of birds are folded. they're two puzzle pieces slotted into a bed made in their colours. kaveh isn't thinking that, but he knows that. he's always known that.

a frown. ]

Why would it be inexplicable? You've solved problems far more complex than this. You merely need to work your way backwards.[ ... ] Or is it that you can't imagine at all what it'd be like to coexist with Midnight peacefully?

I can't imagine trusting him like that. [Stripping Alhaitham bare and then tearing into him. It's the allowance, what it means for Alhaitham to give it. No one has ever been granted authority to harm Alhaitham, safe for Kaveh.

But there's no way he could have felt for Midnight what he feels for Kaveh. The gulf of it is too wide.] I can coexist with him just fine as long as he behaves himself.

[ oh, kaveh thinks. then that's the proof, isn't it? the only difference between then and now, that iteration and this one, is kaveh's involvement.

the confounding factor has always been kaveh. he bows his head into alhaitham's shoulder, and stays there. ]

I've always thought it was possible, mind. The two of you are similar in ways that I think both of you know, but neither want to admit. And perhaps I have the best perspective to see it.

The video repulses you, doesn't it.

[Alhaitham is still, for Kaveh's sake more than his own. Steady, warm, reliable. Even if inside he feels like he's been tipped off balance.]

Not repulsed. [No, it'd be simpler if he simply felt disgusted with it and that was that.] You keep looking for that answer. Does that video make you afraid?

- it - this isn't about me! [ kaveh bites his lip. or is it really? has it always been about him? is that why he's chasing the answer?

no, that can't be. or rather, that ought not to be. ]

It doesn't make me feel afraid, Alhaitham. I watched it seven times because - [ ... never mind. ], it actually made me very angry, actually. Angry that there's an universe with an outcome that I want which I don't have. We don't have.

You want to be in a universe where I'm having sex with Midnight?

[That is not even remotely it, which does not stop Alhaitham from saying it to emphasize the vaguity of that statement.]

That isn't what I said!

[ ... ]

Alright, maybe that's a little bit of what I said. But look - that's an universe where the two of you actually get along! Archons forbid I just said that, actually, because the headaches that the two of you will get up to would be immeasurable and I would immediately regret it, but at least neither of you would be so... [ kaveh gesticulates into alhaitham's chest, ] lost about it. Do you think I enjoy seeing the two of you act like a single toe out of place will cause something to spontaneously combust?

[The slight raise of his brow. He will, in fact, remember that's a little bit what Kaveh said.

Absently, his hand strokes Kaveh's side.] I've agreed to tolerate being in the same room as him. Is that not an improvement from a month ago? My opinion on Midnight isn't a simple matter of likeability.

Neither of you are happy. That's evident enough.

[ and it's kaveh's fault. it makes leaning into alhaitham's touch feel a little like betrayal. ] I have regrets. I don't think that surprises you.

If you only measure my happiness based on Midnight, but my life doesn't revolve around him. [With the lean, Alhaitham kisses the crown of Kaveh's head.] And you often do. But Kaveh, you aren't responsible for Midnight's decisions any more than you are for mine. Whatever his reasons, he made his out choices for how to handle things.

He didn't make those choices in a vacuum, Alhaitham. [ kaveh raises his hand. the next kiss will press into the palm of his weary hand. ] Just... humour me, Alhaitham. You only do so when you're in the mood for it, so be in the mood for it right now. Let's work our way backwards. In that world where you and Midnight would sleep together - what context would be needed to build that trust?

[Alhaitham puffs out a breath. Adjusts himself slightly so his cheek rests on Kaveh, curls his fingers on his captured hand, and thinks.]

... I would need to believe that Midnight can listen to anyone but himself. That he'd stop and think before acting on the first idea he has. That he can exercise enough control that he doesn't cause harm out of carelessness.

[He could have ripped Alhaitham's throat out. Could have bled him dry. He didn't. Alhaitham must have believed he wouldn't.]

He can. [ kaveh says this with the same conviction he had when presenting his plan for the palace of alcazarzaray before a jury of his scathing peers - it's possible. it can be done. i can do it. he can. ] He's a gentle man by nature, who suffocates himself with his own self-control. Alhaitham, you have only see him at his worst. [ a breath. ] But I don't blame you. It's not... that wasn't what I wanted for you.

I'm aware. I asked both Netzach and Yesod about their experiences with him. [It isn't abnormal for Alhaitham to be an exception to people's gregariousness. But, to that point--] I've seen what Midnight wanted to show me. The only experiences I can judge him by are these, and he treats both of us less kindly than them. Maybe they're the exception, or we are.

'They're'. [ kaveh looks. ] But Alhaitham, Midnight has never been unkind to me.

You don't consider anything unkind to you unless it comes from me. Kaveh. [Alhaitham's hand squeezes once.] He's been careless with you. Whatever his intentions, he caused you harm both on accident and on purpose. Even Midnight can admit to that--why are you so unwilling to accept it yourself?

I don't - that's not - [ it's true, and so kaveh has no argument against it. only alhaitham has ever been unkind. years ago, he would have asserted that it was because alhaitham is unkind, even if kaveh knows that it isn't true. alhaitham is merely alhaitham. that's all that he ever is and will claim to be. it's kaveh's opinions that have changed over the years, not the motions of the man.

but that, too, is a lie. alhaitham has changed. kaveh - ]

Because he hasn't been unkind. [ kaveh shakes his head, a single, truncating motion. ] It's very clear to me that he does all kinds of gymnastics in order to keep me from having second or third thoughts about anything. In fact, he's more likely to throw himself off a cliff than to do something out of maliciousness. Even all the other things - all those things - [ kaveh swallows, ] His reasoning was kind, even if the actions weren't. You are sometimes like that, Alhaitham. You do things for kindness, but you never claim to be gentle.

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