justscribing | The City

[ kaveh's head cants into the touch. of course it does. kaveh's had an entire half of a lifetime to learn to do so. with his hair out of his face, kaveh feels more awake. more alert. more able. it's a day five, and he desperately wants to know the answer to a question that alhaitham doesn't even have an answer to.

a beat. ]

I didn't do anything right either, I just... [ kaveh just want - wanted alhaitham to know because it was the right thing to do? or because kaveh hadn't wanted to be alone with the knowledge because it was going to consume him until the end of time? aren't there scenarios where just one person finds out the truth about the world and needs to contend with it? kaveh thinks he'd be terrible in those scenarios. he wouldn't be able to do anything alone.

alhaitham might be able to. that's why the fact that alhaitham doesn't know - that surprises him, and disconcerts him. but maybe that's to be expected. this is complicated, and alhaitham's thoughts on midnight, well... they've always been complicated. ]

You and Midnight get along in another iteration. It at least proves something: that in different contexts, our choices will differ, even if we are the same person deep down. It doesn't disturb you, does it?

[Alhaitham looks over to the clock and determines he's not getting any more sleep tonight.

So he shifts, sits up and slides his back to the headboard. His arm curls around Kaveh to pull him into his side.]

It's expected that within different context, we'd be presented with and make different choices. One video says very little about what those choices were that lead to... that. [He shakes his head.] Rather than disturbing, it's inexplicable.

[ alhaitham pulls kaveh in. kaveh follows. the curve of alhaitham's side is a perfect fit for the jut of kaveh's elbows, folded the way the wings of birds are folded. they're two puzzle pieces slotted into a bed made in their colours. kaveh isn't thinking that, but he knows that. he's always known that.

a frown. ]

Why would it be inexplicable? You've solved problems far more complex than this. You merely need to work your way backwards.[ ... ] Or is it that you can't imagine at all what it'd be like to coexist with Midnight peacefully?

I can't imagine trusting him like that. [Stripping Alhaitham bare and then tearing into him. It's the allowance, what it means for Alhaitham to give it. No one has ever been granted authority to harm Alhaitham, safe for Kaveh.

But there's no way he could have felt for Midnight what he feels for Kaveh. The gulf of it is too wide.] I can coexist with him just fine as long as he behaves himself.

[ oh, kaveh thinks. then that's the proof, isn't it? the only difference between then and now, that iteration and this one, is kaveh's involvement.

the confounding factor has always been kaveh. he bows his head into alhaitham's shoulder, and stays there. ]

I've always thought it was possible, mind. The two of you are similar in ways that I think both of you know, but neither want to admit. And perhaps I have the best perspective to see it.

The video repulses you, doesn't it.

[Alhaitham is still, for Kaveh's sake more than his own. Steady, warm, reliable. Even if inside he feels like he's been tipped off balance.]

Not repulsed. [No, it'd be simpler if he simply felt disgusted with it and that was that.] You keep looking for that answer. Does that video make you afraid?

- it - this isn't about me! [ kaveh bites his lip. or is it really? has it always been about him? is that why he's chasing the answer?

no, that can't be. or rather, that ought not to be. ]

It doesn't make me feel afraid, Alhaitham. I watched it seven times because - [ ... never mind. ], it actually made me very angry, actually. Angry that there's an universe with an outcome that I want which I don't have. We don't have.

You want to be in a universe where I'm having sex with Midnight?

[That is not even remotely it, which does not stop Alhaitham from saying it to emphasize the vaguity of that statement.]

That isn't what I said!

[ ... ]

Alright, maybe that's a little bit of what I said. But look - that's an universe where the two of you actually get along! Archons forbid I just said that, actually, because the headaches that the two of you will get up to would be immeasurable and I would immediately regret it, but at least neither of you would be so... [ kaveh gesticulates into alhaitham's chest, ] lost about it. Do you think I enjoy seeing the two of you act like a single toe out of place will cause something to spontaneously combust?

[The slight raise of his brow. He will, in fact, remember that's a little bit what Kaveh said.

Absently, his hand strokes Kaveh's side.] I've agreed to tolerate being in the same room as him. Is that not an improvement from a month ago? My opinion on Midnight isn't a simple matter of likeability.

Neither of you are happy. That's evident enough.

[ and it's kaveh's fault. it makes leaning into alhaitham's touch feel a little like betrayal. ] I have regrets. I don't think that surprises you.

If you only measure my happiness based on Midnight, but my life doesn't revolve around him. [With the lean, Alhaitham kisses the crown of Kaveh's head.] And you often do. But Kaveh, you aren't responsible for Midnight's decisions any more than you are for mine. Whatever his reasons, he made his out choices for how to handle things.

He didn't make those choices in a vacuum, Alhaitham. [ kaveh raises his hand. the next kiss will press into the palm of his weary hand. ] Just... humour me, Alhaitham. You only do so when you're in the mood for it, so be in the mood for it right now. Let's work our way backwards. In that world where you and Midnight would sleep together - what context would be needed to build that trust?

[Alhaitham puffs out a breath. Adjusts himself slightly so his cheek rests on Kaveh, curls his fingers on his captured hand, and thinks.]

... I would need to believe that Midnight can listen to anyone but himself. That he'd stop and think before acting on the first idea he has. That he can exercise enough control that he doesn't cause harm out of carelessness.

[He could have ripped Alhaitham's throat out. Could have bled him dry. He didn't. Alhaitham must have believed he wouldn't.]

He can. [ kaveh says this with the same conviction he had when presenting his plan for the palace of alcazarzaray before a jury of his scathing peers - it's possible. it can be done. i can do it. he can. ] He's a gentle man by nature, who suffocates himself with his own self-control. Alhaitham, you have only see him at his worst. [ a breath. ] But I don't blame you. It's not... that wasn't what I wanted for you.

I'm aware. I asked both Netzach and Yesod about their experiences with him. [It isn't abnormal for Alhaitham to be an exception to people's gregariousness. But, to that point--] I've seen what Midnight wanted to show me. The only experiences I can judge him by are these, and he treats both of us less kindly than them. Maybe they're the exception, or we are.

'They're'. [ kaveh looks. ] But Alhaitham, Midnight has never been unkind to me.

You don't consider anything unkind to you unless it comes from me. Kaveh. [Alhaitham's hand squeezes once.] He's been careless with you. Whatever his intentions, he caused you harm both on accident and on purpose. Even Midnight can admit to that--why are you so unwilling to accept it yourself?

I don't - that's not - [ it's true, and so kaveh has no argument against it. only alhaitham has ever been unkind. years ago, he would have asserted that it was because alhaitham is unkind, even if kaveh knows that it isn't true. alhaitham is merely alhaitham. that's all that he ever is and will claim to be. it's kaveh's opinions that have changed over the years, not the motions of the man.

but that, too, is a lie. alhaitham has changed. kaveh - ]

Because he hasn't been unkind. [ kaveh shakes his head, a single, truncating motion. ] It's very clear to me that he does all kinds of gymnastics in order to keep me from having second or third thoughts about anything. In fact, he's more likely to throw himself off a cliff than to do something out of maliciousness. Even all the other things - all those things - [ kaveh swallows, ] His reasoning was kind, even if the actions weren't. You are sometimes like that, Alhaitham. You do things for kindness, but you never claim to be gentle.

[Kaveh makes the obvious, expected argument. Alhaitham waits, listens, traces its well known ridges, and knows what his argument is.]

Then has Midnight not been unkind to me?

[ kaveh skills. he looks at alhaitham. ]

... he has.

[ that, too, is the expected argument. ] And if he continues to be so, I will never forgive him.

Then the differing factor isn't Midnight's behavior, but whether you're on the receiving end of it. That isn't a metric I'm willing to accept.

And why is it that we only ever agree on matters like these, hm? And still manage to disagree at the same time.

[ kaveh presses his forehead to alhaitham's. ] Listen, is it strange that I don't want the two of you to be at odds? This is my fault. I don't know how to go about fixing it. I don't know if either of you wants it. But that video - I yearn for that. There's a reality where it was possible after all. Why wouldn't I want to know how that's done? I can't stand not knowing.

It isn't strange, but as ever to continue to focus on the wrong thing. [Alhaitham knocks their foreheads lightly as they come together.] You're trying to fix something that isn't yours to fix and interpret it only in the way that removes our own agency in our decisions. Do you think the things Midnight did wouldn't break that trust even if he'd earned it first?

[But Alhaitham, too, can't stand knowing. He wants to know what it is that he felt trust in Midnight in a way he's never known in his conscious memory.]

It would. But Alhaitham - if he had earned that trust from you, then he would never break it to begin with. [ kaveh says this before he's even thought it through - and then knows it to be true. ] That's the sort of man Midnight is.

And you saw that in him, in one iteration, or you wouldn't have, well, [ archons, it's still hard. he pushes out the world at a clip: ] s-slept with him.

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