justscribing | The City

That isn't what I said!

[ ... ]

Alright, maybe that's a little bit of what I said. But look - that's an universe where the two of you actually get along! Archons forbid I just said that, actually, because the headaches that the two of you will get up to would be immeasurable and I would immediately regret it, but at least neither of you would be so... [ kaveh gesticulates into alhaitham's chest, ] lost about it. Do you think I enjoy seeing the two of you act like a single toe out of place will cause something to spontaneously combust?

[The slight raise of his brow. He will, in fact, remember that's a little bit what Kaveh said.

Absently, his hand strokes Kaveh's side.] I've agreed to tolerate being in the same room as him. Is that not an improvement from a month ago? My opinion on Midnight isn't a simple matter of likeability.

Neither of you are happy. That's evident enough.

[ and it's kaveh's fault. it makes leaning into alhaitham's touch feel a little like betrayal. ] I have regrets. I don't think that surprises you.

If you only measure my happiness based on Midnight, but my life doesn't revolve around him. [With the lean, Alhaitham kisses the crown of Kaveh's head.] And you often do. But Kaveh, you aren't responsible for Midnight's decisions any more than you are for mine. Whatever his reasons, he made his out choices for how to handle things.

He didn't make those choices in a vacuum, Alhaitham. [ kaveh raises his hand. the next kiss will press into the palm of his weary hand. ] Just... humour me, Alhaitham. You only do so when you're in the mood for it, so be in the mood for it right now. Let's work our way backwards. In that world where you and Midnight would sleep together - what context would be needed to build that trust?

[Alhaitham puffs out a breath. Adjusts himself slightly so his cheek rests on Kaveh, curls his fingers on his captured hand, and thinks.]

... I would need to believe that Midnight can listen to anyone but himself. That he'd stop and think before acting on the first idea he has. That he can exercise enough control that he doesn't cause harm out of carelessness.

[He could have ripped Alhaitham's throat out. Could have bled him dry. He didn't. Alhaitham must have believed he wouldn't.]

He can. [ kaveh says this with the same conviction he had when presenting his plan for the palace of alcazarzaray before a jury of his scathing peers - it's possible. it can be done. i can do it. he can. ] He's a gentle man by nature, who suffocates himself with his own self-control. Alhaitham, you have only see him at his worst. [ a breath. ] But I don't blame you. It's not... that wasn't what I wanted for you.

I'm aware. I asked both Netzach and Yesod about their experiences with him. [It isn't abnormal for Alhaitham to be an exception to people's gregariousness. But, to that point--] I've seen what Midnight wanted to show me. The only experiences I can judge him by are these, and he treats both of us less kindly than them. Maybe they're the exception, or we are.

'They're'. [ kaveh looks. ] But Alhaitham, Midnight has never been unkind to me.

You don't consider anything unkind to you unless it comes from me. Kaveh. [Alhaitham's hand squeezes once.] He's been careless with you. Whatever his intentions, he caused you harm both on accident and on purpose. Even Midnight can admit to that--why are you so unwilling to accept it yourself?

I don't - that's not - [ it's true, and so kaveh has no argument against it. only alhaitham has ever been unkind. years ago, he would have asserted that it was because alhaitham is unkind, even if kaveh knows that it isn't true. alhaitham is merely alhaitham. that's all that he ever is and will claim to be. it's kaveh's opinions that have changed over the years, not the motions of the man.

but that, too, is a lie. alhaitham has changed. kaveh - ]

Because he hasn't been unkind. [ kaveh shakes his head, a single, truncating motion. ] It's very clear to me that he does all kinds of gymnastics in order to keep me from having second or third thoughts about anything. In fact, he's more likely to throw himself off a cliff than to do something out of maliciousness. Even all the other things - all those things - [ kaveh swallows, ] His reasoning was kind, even if the actions weren't. You are sometimes like that, Alhaitham. You do things for kindness, but you never claim to be gentle.

[Kaveh makes the obvious, expected argument. Alhaitham waits, listens, traces its well known ridges, and knows what his argument is.]

Then has Midnight not been unkind to me?

[ kaveh skills. he looks at alhaitham. ]

... he has.

[ that, too, is the expected argument. ] And if he continues to be so, I will never forgive him.

Then the differing factor isn't Midnight's behavior, but whether you're on the receiving end of it. That isn't a metric I'm willing to accept.

And why is it that we only ever agree on matters like these, hm? And still manage to disagree at the same time.

[ kaveh presses his forehead to alhaitham's. ] Listen, is it strange that I don't want the two of you to be at odds? This is my fault. I don't know how to go about fixing it. I don't know if either of you wants it. But that video - I yearn for that. There's a reality where it was possible after all. Why wouldn't I want to know how that's done? I can't stand not knowing.

It isn't strange, but as ever to continue to focus on the wrong thing. [Alhaitham knocks their foreheads lightly as they come together.] You're trying to fix something that isn't yours to fix and interpret it only in the way that removes our own agency in our decisions. Do you think the things Midnight did wouldn't break that trust even if he'd earned it first?

[But Alhaitham, too, can't stand knowing. He wants to know what it is that he felt trust in Midnight in a way he's never known in his conscious memory.]

It would. But Alhaitham - if he had earned that trust from you, then he would never break it to begin with. [ kaveh says this before he's even thought it through - and then knows it to be true. ] That's the sort of man Midnight is.

And you saw that in him, in one iteration, or you wouldn't have, well, [ archons, it's still hard. he pushes out the world at a clip: ] s-slept with him.

Does that absolve his actions in this iteration, just because he withheld in another? Which, may I remind you, is conjecture we're making based on a lack of any further context.

[He smooths his hand over Kaveh's cheek.] ... Is it hurting you that much?

Is it hurting me? Of course it is! That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time!

[ ... ] Wait, what are we talking about?

That Midnight and I were apparently close in one iteration and not in this one.

Oh. Alright, then yes, we're on the same page.

[ kaveh pillows his face into alhaitham's chest. ] And don't start with the 'apparently'. You watched the same thing I did. There's nothing apparent about it.

[Alhaitham puffs out a breath, but the arms around Kaveh are sure, and warm.]

Of course you would take this the worst of anyone. [Also, these arms are not letting Kaveh escape anytime soon.] At best, that was in the past. No matter how it went, we have the decisions we do remember making now to contend with. What else can any of us do with this information except acknowledge it?

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