justscribing | The City

[ Midnight nods, then pauses to collect himself. He's rehearsed this a few times, but he's delivered enough apologies in his life to throw himself at it without stuttering or losing track of himself in his shame. It must be done. ]

If you'll recall, I made several assertions to you that Kaveh would never come to harm on my account. Given the circumstances, I think it's fair to say that I've failed to meet that expectation.

[ And even though it will probably mean nothing to Alhaitham, even if in the broader scope this is really for Midnight's benefit, he straightens, then bows deeply. Very formal Higashinese etiquette, the sort of thing that is done when one has no excuse for what has happened. ]

I apologize for that, Alhaitham of the Haravatat. Regardless of how the circumstances have brought us together, Kaveh's life is not something I treat lightly. I won't allow him to risk his life on my account again.

[ Which is, of course, a rather incendiary thing to say, given that Midnight's simulated Kaveh's death at his hands at least twice now... But none of those count in Midnight's eyes. Anyway, he isn't asking for forgiveness, so he doesn't mind putting that on the table. Better out in the open than a mystery at this point. ]

I would consider using him against me treating it very lightly, actually. [He folds one arm, hand resting in the crook of his elbow.] Unless you think your actions aren't on your account? Kaveh told me your reasons for killing him. He also told me the threat he made, so I'm well aware of what Oripathy is. I know what it would take from him.

[He also knows that Midnight's assertion is destined to fail. There's no stopping Kaveh from loving him. Kaveh won't let Midnight drown either by circumstance or his own folly. If he fails Midnight, he'll go down with him. And Alhaitham will go down with Kaveh.]

So what is it you're apologizing for now? Your actions, or his?

[Only one of those Midnight can apologize for.]

Edited 2024-02-22 09:32 (UTC)

My inaction, actually. I wasn't capable of handling the situation in the way I ought to.

[ ... Midnight shifts. He's not apologizing for anything else, nor is he willing to debate any other point. This is what he came for. ]

I've learned about my limitations and I'll strive to overcome them should the need arise again. I never intended on going against my word and I don't mean to do so in the future.

[ Midnight pauses for a beat, then tilts his head. ]

That was all.

[ And honestly, that's all Midnight has to say. If Alhaitham doesn't demand anything else of him, he'll simply nod sharply and turn to leave. ]

[Alhaitham's fingers flex into his arm. He remains tense.]

You're being unnecessarily vague about this. If you're only sorry about what happened in the diner, then it's unreasonable to hold you accountable for Netzach and Kaveh taking advantage of your state to eat the liver in your stead. You were unconscious. I was there.

You can't stop Kaveh from risking his life if you're in danger. And as long as we're stuck in this simulation it's likely to happen again. You matter to him. What has always mattered is how you treat him.

So? Is any of this about actually doing better for Kaveh? You haven't said you won't risk his life yourself if you make a decision to.

[It's the action Alhaitham wants to see. He knows words can be powerful. He also knows they can be empty.]

[ Midnight's head is still inclined, feet paused midstep away from the door. He's listening. ]

It is, actually. You know, I'd thought about a ceremony done in my Higashi to demonstrate one's sincerity in these situations. One cuts the tip of one's finger and offers it to the wronged party in penance for one's actions.

[ Midnight thinks for a moment, then turns to Alhaitham. ]

I'd thought about doing that — still could — but you're quite literal. A finger does nothing for you. You choose to see symbolism for what it is, then disregard it at the expense of others. A sort of deliberate ignorance.

[ Midnight looks at Alhaitham and shrugs. One doesn't reason with someone so blisteringly anti-social. The only thing that can be done is to work around them. Such is society. ]

I'll prove it the next time I'm in a position to prevent harm on Kaveh's behalf. What else can I do?

[Alhaitham stares, momentarily uncomprehending.] There's just no need for you to hurt yourself to prove your point.

[He's reminded of Dehya's gambit, and that similarly was something he felt was unnecessary even as she persisted. Symbolic forms of sacrifice as literal limb-chopping is beyond him.]

More meaningful proof is changing your behavior. I've said before you're careless, and I still believe that. Unlike Kaveh, I don't expect perfection of you. But I expect you to prove your sincerity to do better by him by trying, and that involves listening to what he needs and not running off your assumptions of what you think is best for him.

... I'll stop avoiding you and let you prove it if you try. But any problem you have with me, you come to me directly and you don't involve Kaveh.

[ Midnight raises a brow. ]

You don't need to expect perfection of me. I expect it of myself.

[ But the point has been taken, and Midnight doesn't argue with the rest. Midnight certainly has his opinions about Kaveh and what he says he needs... But that has nothing to do with how Alhaitham sees his relationship with Kaveh, so it's a bit useless to bring his own ideas up.]

Do what you like, Alhaitham. I'm not sure if I've ever had a problem with you that I didn't resolve directly with you, but you have my word moving forward that I will continue to do so.

Then are you disputing Kaveh's explanation that you killed him in that hole in a way that was meant to hurt me? Don't ignore the second half of that sentence, Midnight: that you don't involve Kaveh.

[ Midnight cants his head again. Well, Kaveh. There's certainly some ambiguity here, but that part was well reasoned. ]

I'm not ignoring the second half, but if you'd like to make a set of demands for me, you'd best not saddle them with any caveats that defeat your purpose. Yes, that was one reason I did it, but I don't recall having any specific problem against you. You've identified a tool, but not a motive. Unless you think me the sort of person to hurt someone for no particular reason?

[ If Alhaitham leaves the demand as it is, Midnight is completely free to do as he likes to Kaveh as long as it's in terms of how Alhaitham would benefit from it, for example. It's a huge, gaping hole. Midnight is quite sure Alhaitham doesn't mean to leave him that sort of freedom.

Also interesting: Alhaitham's just defined the issue in terms of how it hurt him. Not that Midnight didn't expect that, but he seems to be revolving around it a bit more than he'd expected of someone otherwise as dispassionate as Alhaitham, someone who is surely the sort of person who would at least consider other possibilities. Ah. Love is truly blind.

Midnight closes his eyes. ]

Kaveh's said about the same thing, but his terms were much more clear: no more manipulation, period. I stand by that. Is that good enough for you?

If I thought this was for no reason, I wouldn't be specifying. [If he thought Midnight was that empty, he'd be having very different conversations. Kaveh would be seeing the situation differently.]

Amd nothing I've said contradicts itself unless you're misunderstanding again, so let me be clearer: part of your motivation was to get me to hate you because you don't trust yourself. To do that, you've sought to hurt me on purpose. You've used Kaveh because you know it will work when you target me.

So if you decide you want to hurt me again, whatever reason you have, hurt me directly. Keep it between us, and I'll be sure that Kaveh doesn't find a reason to make good on his threat.

[Because Kaveh made a deal based on manipulation, but Kaveh is also excellent at redefining a situation in his head to suit his reality. It's better, then, that if Midnight wants him hurt Kaveh cannot find out at all.]

[ Now that is a surprise. Midnight actually smiles a bit, humming thoughtfully. He could almost forget that, in all of this, he's still wrestling with everything he's done wrong in this situation. Alhaitham certainly is some sort of gift.

It's interesting that Alhaitham makes his case in terms of enabling what he thinks Midnight might do in the future, rather than forbid him from harm outright. He won't, of course — his word is sacred, and Kaveh told him not to — but this arguably tells Midnight more about Alhaitham than any conversation they had on Midnight's couch. Goodness, it really took this much, didn't it? ]

You're a joy, Alhaitham. You really are.

[ And the awful part is that Midnight really, really means it. For a split second, his eyes soften. These two truly are impossible. ]

Agreed. Anything else?

Edited 2024-02-23 00:24 (UTC)

[Midnight smiles. That's not the part that catches Alhaitham off guard. Midnight smiles more than he doesn't even around Alhaitham.

But he notices, in the brief moment, the softness that overtakes his expression. As of he's looking at something he's fond of, which makes little sense to Alhaitham. He doesn't know what that look means. He doesn't even know where to start dissecting it.]

No, that's all. [He brings his mug closer to his lips.] And you don't need to call me "of the Haravatat". That's just the Darshan I graduated from in the Akademiya. I don't have any position with the alumni.

[... He really just thought Midnight might want to know there's no lofty title associated with graduating. That's just Kaveh.]

[ Of course he doesn't. And when has Midnight made himself anything more or less than a mystery to Alhaitham

He does laugh, though. "That's all", followed by one more thing. Alhaitham is a gift, honestly. ]

I see. Thank you for letting me know. I thought I'd go with address as formal as possible, but I don't know you by any other name.

[ He shrugs, scratching the back of his head, before letting his hand fall to his side. ]

I'll be off, then. Have a lovely rest of your morning.

[ Midnight is still completely exhausted, but the apology is now out, in whatever form this ended up being, and he feels much better for it. It's nice to do these things properly. ]

[That's because he does everything he can not to earn titles.

Alhaitham hums, watching Midnight turn to go from the doorway. And he continues to watch until Midnight disappears around the corner.

Then he finally takes a sip of his coffee and closes the door. He'll be spending the morning thinking about this.]

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