justscribing | The City

Just so we're clear--[Because apparently this hasn't been clear.] Netzach is also not in a relationship with Kaveh. I assume you know this, but if we're going to discuss anyone's feelings it's important to be aware of what is actually happening between each of us. Aren't you three also drawing a boundary between what is exclusive to your relationship and what is comfortably shared with other people? Like sex.

[Look, it was. The most obvious and understandable example. Of course he picked it.]

But you're comfortable sharing Netzach with Midnight because you don't want to restrict Netzach and because you think Midnight has been good to him.

[ ...Let him resume perishing. On the other hand, Alhaitham has a point. It's best to ensure that there are no misunderstandings. ]

...That is not exclusive.

[ But it is for Alhaitham and Kaveh, by the sound of it. That seems straightforward as well. ]

However, Netzach and I have had a conversation to that effect. I felt that it should not be necessary... but his offer isn't unappreciated.

[Alhaitham stares. He's... starting to see where the confusion is for Yesod.]

... I'm not an expert at relationships. But if you're going to say you're with someone in a way that isn't the same as any of your friends, there should be something that differentiates one type of relationship from the other. Otherwise there would be no point in categorizing them.

[Two logic based men trying to puzzle matters of the heart and it's going... swimmingly.]

Netzach has multiple partners, so what is it he only gives you and Midnight? And what do you give only Netzach?

[ Alhaitham deserves so many books to read in peace after this.

That logic makes perfect sense, of course. If only it could be so simple, but Reno's color-coded chart has a category for "fucking but it's not a thing" — the range of relationships is all too complex, and little seems reasonable to request as not to be shared with multiple people. ]

...I should clarify that neither Midnight nor I have asked Netzach to restrict himself to us as his... only sexual partners. Regardless, that appears to be the choice that he has made of his own will. I'm unaware of Midnight's stance, but I do not interact with anyone else as I've come to interact with Netzach.

[ Yesod indicates Alhaitham with a nod in his direction. ]

Perhaps all of that equates to the distinction that you're describing.

[For absolutely everyone's sake, Alhaitham remains unaware that friends with benefits is a concept that needs to be elaborated.]

In that case I believe your current confusion could be cleared up by explaining directly what each of your considers exclusive to a committed relationship and how you intend to actualize it. That's what Kaveh and I did, which is how we came to an understanding that kissing on the lips wasn't something that would be an exclusive form of affection.

[Granted, Alhaitham still promised his lips to Kaveh but he's aware he could take that promise back if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to kiss a single other person so he sees no need to try and balance them out.]

[ Alhaitham's perspective highlights what Yesod must aspire towards — the differences between their situations don't matter in that sense, as Netzach is no less devoted than Kaveh is, regardless of how many people he loves. Rather, in Kaveh's absence, Alhaitham doesn't seem excessively aware of wanting him. For the two of them, questions such as how much is too much don't exist, and boundaries set don't exacerbate these notions.

After a moment's pause, Yesod nods once more. ]

...Yes. That is sensible. To tell the truth, Netzach mentioned that speaking with Kaveh gave him the idea to offer me something that would become only ours. His and mine.

[ Something that isn't the past. ]

Then you and Kaveh considered it necessary, despite the existing nature of your relationship?

[It's because he has no shame. Kaveh chose him and that's just going to be Kaveh's problem now.]

Sure. It was still a change in our relationship, and Kaveh was seeking confirmation that what we have with each other is different than with anyone else. Romantic and sexual attraction in general was one of the few things we never really talked about. At least, not about each other. And Kaveh will build up expectations in his head if left alone, so I found it a good opportunity to use the conversation to establish what is and isn't changing.

[He pauses, considering.] I think the history Kaveh and I have isn't quite like what you and Netzach have, but the idea should be applicable to any relationship where there's uncertainty.

[ Kaveh needed that reassurance, that certainty, not Alhaitham? Hearing Netzach's explanation, Yesod had assumed that Kaveh had simply proposed a similar idea out of a desire to promise Alhaitham something that would be his alone. Alhaitham's answer now, however, adjusts Yesod's impression of the situation further.

It's difficult to feel no envy at all. If nebulous definitions of a committed relationship were the true problem, that could be resolved with relative ease.

The strangeness of coming to miss someone's presence, despite seeing that person on a regular basis, and the discomfort of apportioned time, absurd questions of equal shares, likely aren't thoughts that Alhaitham experiences. ]

...Kaveh must have known that you would choose only him and vice versa. Perhaps, had Netzach been aware of my feelings...

[ Yesod cuts himself off. That isn't the issue, either. Netzach has offered to choose him, if need be, but asking that of him would never be justifiable. Netzach shouldn't need to consider it, nor should Midnight think that it could happen someday.

That offer itself should have been enough. ]

You had no trouble giving Kaveh the clarification that he sought, in other words.

No, Kaveh is an exception for me in many ways that aren't just my attraction to him. And I'm the only one Kaveh has wanted to choose.

[His eyes narrow slightly in thought. Yesod is looking for perspective and confirmation, so where does he link his and Kaveh's situations with Yesod, Netzach, and Midnight?]

Though I would have accepted if the only way to have him was to share him with someone else, it's irrelevant because we view each other different than anyone else. Kaveh won't give Netzach or Midnight a chance, but he'll be selfish and claim me. No one else could possibly be Kaveh, and no one else has ever been someone I wanted to keep so closely in my life.

But if you don't want to restrict him from other people, are you looking for a way to manage your feelings of selfishness in the face of Netzach having another partner?

[ Yesod frowns at the distasteful truth of his irrational emotions, though he gives Alhaitham a nod in confirmation. ]

...That may be the most concise way to summarize it. Unlike you and Kaveh, Netzach and I remained under the impression that our respective feelings were one-sided for too long. Of course he would welcome more accessible options presented to him in the meantime, which he shouldn't deny himself for my sake. While what I feel for Netzach is unique, much like our shared history, and he has essentially promised himself to me, I do not want him to live inside a cage because he fears causing me pain. No one would be happy then... Sharing him is preferable.

[ It's more than enough to accumulate better memories together, now that they have the chance, from their earliest taste of it to Netzach welcoming him home for the first time, in their shared room. If the future holds more of the same, that would be enough, too. It would be pleasant to have that to offer and to keep.

Yesod looks at Alhaitham, pensive. ]

...How do you and Midnight view each other, by the way?

[ Earlier, mentioning Midnight had prompted an unexpected response. ]

[Too long. Of course, Netzach surely doesn't have quite the self hatred Kaveh does it else Kaveh would have had anyone else well before Alhaitham had the chance to be honest. Of course, if Kaveh had less self hatred maybe he would have just decided to woo Alhaitham while they were students.

That's a nice thought.

Not really relevant to the conversation, though. Unfortunately, managing his feelings in the context Yesod is needing to just isn't something Alhaitham has had to do. Or would do.

There's a pause.] We don't really get along. Consider it a conflict of personality.

[That's a careful way of putting "nervous and distrustful".] It doesn't have anything to do with him being in love with Kaveh, but there's no point in getting into it right now.

[Although, given the initial point of the conversation he's curious:] What do you think of him?

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