justscribing | The City | Past Iterations

[ In spite of his continued anxiety, Midnight can't help but laugh again. Alhaitham truly isn't like the other girls.

That question gets a silence, another moment to think. It's followed by a nod. Yes... In general, Midnight doesn't like to think he's the sort of person to make people feel uncomfortable enough to refuse his company. That he does so quite a bit is intentional; the cases when it isn't intentional is. Well, it's heartbreaking. ]

I just don't want to make you unhappy. Which is absurd, I think. I don't have that much power over your moods.

[ ... Midnight shifts away. He doesn't like that Alhaitham could read that so easily. ]

I also want to make you happy, which is equally absurd. Very few things in this world make you happy, I think, and I don't count myself in that number. I feel like I'd waste my time trying.

[ ... Maybe they've gotten to the crux of one issue. Midnight doesn't like to waste time with people determined to be unhappy on the best of days. While Alhaitham isn't unpleasable, it would take a certain level of delusion to think that anything Midnight could do under his own steam could affect the way he feels in any way.

(It has occurred to him that Kaveh is the key to changing Alhaitham's mood... But Kaveh doesn't love him in this iteration, so there's no reason to consider trying to sabotage his love. That Alhaitham is unlikely to fall in love with anyone but Kaveh is the only steady point of reassurance in all of this. Midnight can't make him lonelier than he already is.) ]

[Midnight shifts back. Alhaitham doesn't hold him there. Instead his hands return to peeling the rest of the orange.]

Happiness is a temporary state. Nobody can experience any emotion consistently, but especially not to be happy at the time. Because of that, rather than seek happiness specifically I pursue a life of comfort and peace. It enables me to do what I want, and experiencing joy is a consequence of that.

You just brought me pleasure. [He gestures to the bed.] And if I didn't already enjoy your company I wouldn't have allowed you to fuck me. I don't have a habit of seeking out casual sexual encounters.

[This is, of course, all said in his usual monotone and his usual micro-expressions. It's Kaveh that makes him vibrant. It's Kaveh's sunlight that illuminates Alhaitham's moon. It's different. It will always be different.

It's why Alhaitham's heart is caught within those burnt walls. But that was a choice. It was always a choice.]

... You can be very annoying, of course. But so can Kaveh and you already know how I feel about him.

I do.

[ Said with the distant fondness of a man who finds both Alhaitham and Kaveh exasperating. That he has deep affection for them both is in itself exasperating as well.

After a moment, Midnight rolls back toward Alhaitham, watching him peel the last of the orange. Pink and orange and teal. He thinks. ]

Tell me if what I do here, in bed, makes you unhappy. For example...

[ Midnight shifts a bit closer, expression very serious. ]

I like to kiss. A lot. Most of the time. I simply don't do so because one can't kiss others all day. There are other things to do with one's time.

I'd like to kiss you. Quite a bit. Even if we aren't having sex. Is that all right? Would it make you unhappy?

Oh. [The beat, and then it rises--that slow curl of the corner of his lips up. Amused.] I have no issue with pointing out things I don't like. Don't expect me to spare you from my own desires.

[Because this is Alhaitham. Ever sure of himself, and ever rude about it. Sumeru's second-biggest complainer and that's because no one can take the crown from Kaveh.

Alhaitham pries the fourth slice off and pops it in his mouth. Explodes it between teeth and then swallows it down.]

Here. [Alhaitham twists, his arm reaching out so that his had can slide to the back of Midnight's head and pull him in.

His lips find Midnight's. Citrus still tastes off his tongue.]

[ Midnight breathes out a little, brow furrowed, because it's his turn to not enjoy being the source of Alhaitham's amusement. Is this happiness? He's not sure. At any rate, Alhaitham had better let him in on the joke, because whatever desires he has shouldn't be kept when Midnight can do something about them, wants to —

And then Alhaitham takes him by the back of his head, and then his mouth tastes of sweet tang and sunshine, and Midnight's hands grip into the blankets and his mouth opens because he is so, so easy. He makes a small sound, closes his eyes, and for a second he thinks of nothing at all except how the sheets feel, how warm he is, how good Alhaitham tastes, how lovely everything smells and how much he loves, loves, loves this, loves kissing, loves. He learned long, long ago that he would sell himself to anyone for one good kiss. He learned long, long ago how to make sure no one would ever get that close.

When the kiss finally breaks, Midnight's face is heated, he's frowning. He knows he's just showed his hand, and he's furious for it. Furious for being so careless, for not realizing that Alhaitham would, of course, take this information and run with it. Furious because he wants another one, and another one. If people knew just how easy it was to control Midnight with kisses, he would never have any principles or morals or ethics or self-respect again. ]

[The satisfaction is undeniable as Midnight frowns and then caves anyway. Irreverent brat that Alhaitham is, when he's fond of someone he likes to play. And he likes to have the upper hand. You learn, when many things are out of your control, or either make them in control or make yourself care less.

Midnight melts into him. Alhaitham's fingers glide through his hair as the kiss breaks. He is, unfortunately for Midnight, terribly smug.] Well? Did that make you happy?

[ Midnight lowers his head on Alhaitham's chest and plants himself there so he can feel how deeply he's started to growl. How rude. He's gotten away with kissing just because it feels good for so long. This is the first time in a very, very long time that someone has tried, specifically, to make him happy with a kiss, and of course Midnight liked it. He is a fraud. He is a weakling. This sucks. ]

I hate you.

[ He is perfectly aware that he needs to care less. He's spent so much of his life practicing caring less about things he didn't need to care about. This, though? He cares. He cares so much about being happy. He's so happy that his chest hurts, and it's vile and upsetting and he really, really wants another kiss, but now he's too angry to ask for one, which only makes the growling louder.

He has never, ever looked, sounded, or behaved more like Kaveh in his entire life than he has in this moment. ]

[Midnight's countenance cracks, not to reveal the vampire sewn tight into his skin but the man who has clearly bitten off more than he could chew. This is what makes the pain in his ass totally worth it.

It isn't a conscious thought so much as a natural draw to that reflection of Kaveh in him, so bright and petulant. Easily teased. Absolutely endearing. Cute, the most terrible offense to a man older than him who prides himself on the stability of his hidden vulnerabilities.

Not even in this iteration can Alhaitham give Midnight the love he needs. Not the love he wants. Alhaitham can't put him first, or give the whole of his heart to a man who is bleeding out more than he can take. Whatever this is won't last, because Alhaitham will always choose to turn his path back to Kaveh. To Sumeru.

But in this iteration, when Midnight held Alhaitham's trust in a steady grip, when it wasn't shattered the moment his fingers curled around it--Alhaitham realizes under the weight of Midnight buried in his chest that he'll allow him to claw his way in, leave marks that Alhaitham expects to carry the rest of his life. A crucible for a man halfway lost to the world.]

Hate me enough to kiss me again? [Midnight won't ask, but Alhaitham is certainly shameless enough to.]

[ Midnight will look back at this later, alone and nursing a drink, and reaffirm that yes, he's aware this is temporary. Higashinese culture and Sarkaz culture tends to emphasize the ephemerality of life and everything in it, which, while never curing Midnight's fear of death, did at least help reposition his heart in juxtaposition with things ending. This will end, and that is all right. Life will continue because it must, then death will take it, because it must.

Right now, though, Midnight knows that the only thing keeping the love in him from lasting forever is the death of the body containing it. Forever, forever. He is excellent at lies; this is a lie he has told himself, and he can live in it for a while.

(The lie is not that his love won't last. This is the lie: that his happiness is worth the effort of keeping it alive.) ]

Keep talking and you'll find my teeth before my lips.

[ But it's a low, defeated mumble, and Midnight lifts up again because fuck, oh fuck, he wants to kiss Alhaitham all the time, so badly, and no amount of self-respect can save him from that. He groans, sighs, and his eyes slip closed. Alhaitham's incredibly punchable lips are so nice and easy to kiss. ]

[In every, every, every iteration, Kaveh and Alhaitham are terrible for Midnight's heart.

But they're also terrible for each other's heart so maybe it's just a personality flaw.

Midnight takes the bait, and Alhaitham releases it to him. His lips part, pliant as he accepts Midnight once more into the wrap of his arms. The thread of fingers into his hair is loose, and Alhaitham kisses as if they have all the time in the world. Midnight wanted a kiss without sex. So Alhaitham kisses him as if it were a natural state. The sun rises, the sky is blue, and this needs no purpose but to exist.]

The City | Past Iterations

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